6/11/2026 00:51
Tonight, the anger rolls off of me in waves. It has been a lot lately. But tonight? Peace, love, throat punch would be the theme.
I accelerated my healing journey. On purpose. The things coming up for me are wild. I started doing the Gateway Experience yesterday... and fuck. FUCK. It's intense in the best way possible.
Gateway Experience Wave 1 - 6/9/2026 - stoned. I went in and at the 24 minute mark I had to pause it. I almost fully left my body and scared myself SO BAD. The reason I almost fully left my body? A place I went in my head involuntarily showed me my fucking shadow on the floor and I was able to go down to her.
I told her that I was ready to integrate her. Her response was to tell me that there were more. I said okay? We can all integrate. Then I FELT other energies come into my body from lower levels. My physical body started twitching for 30-60 seconds.
THIS WAS WAVE 1!
ONE. Out of 39 videos in this YouTube playlist.
Well... I ended up finishing it after decompressing for a minute.
Something you should know about me before we continue... I have meditated enough to a point where I can be in deep relaxation in less than 30 seconds. Like sometimes it takes half an inhale... Like full body and brain relaxed. So I am able to pause things and be instantly back in them. This skill is still developing and I can't wait to see what all I'll be able to achieve with this.
Anyways... so wave 2 was tonight. I have ads on YT so that is why the above section was important. There are 4+ ads that play during it so just be prepared. That's what it was for me tonight at least! So I had real physical world interruptions...
It didn't matter. I skipped an ad and went back in within a few seconds just to be met with the thought that I wasn't even breathing. Sometimes, during regular meditation, I'll catch my body not breathing. Not in a oh no she should have an oxygen mask way, more in a her body doesn't NEED to breathe while relaxed way.
Well, crazy thing about this is that the only way I can usually feel my breathing and heartrate is when I'm stoned. NOT TONIGHT. I could feel me breathing... or the lack thereof. I literally kept having to wake myself out of it because I had this weird irrational fear that I would die due to the amount of time it felt like I was taking to take a singular breath. Which now that I think of it... I timed my breaths months ago and it took over 40 seconds for one breath. So it's entirely plausible this was all just my anxiety talking (it is of course).
Wave 2 gave the gift of being able to touch my third eye with all five fingers and asking for certain memories. Which is EXTREMELY helpful for me when before a year and a half ago I only had 8 memories and they were PTSD memories. Others I had to go deep into my archives to find things.
I didn't understand how people had immediate answers to questions about their past when I felt as though I had to make things up on the spot when asked directly about things. I couldn't form memories. That's how bad it was for me. I can look back on specific things now and know them, but back then? I had to look at photos, really get into the moment. Now? SO MUCH more is accessible. With this ability? I'm going to remember everything I wish to at any time.
Which frankly is a bit terrifying.
I asked for the memory of someone and... I got it. Like straight up asked for a memory of someone from my high school. And I got it. I didn't understand it and I don't know if it is true BUT I got a memory. Of myself as a child that I didn't remember before. BECAUSE I ASKED!!! Magic. Literal magic.
Our brains are magnificent things.
Okay... so I read that out loud and realized I was gaslighting myself. Not believing a memory I got just because it didn't make sense and confused me? No. NO. Bad Haley.
So, I got a memory that was true. And that... well... idk. Idk what to do with that information right now.
-Tired penguin Haley
YT link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQhwZRWzczs&list=PLLH0u6qtSX8cKyvDfvKPzmls6onft_1rj
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