6/19/2026 00:24
Do you ever just think about the fact that we are quite literally just small humans living on a massive rock floating through space? Like we don't matter. Our existence is a speck in the entire existence of the Universe. We are here one day, then gone the next - in the grand scheme of things of course.
I made a decision that is impacting me in a way I had no idea it was going to impact me. So, now? I will be the duality of my playlist. Because that's who we are as humans. We are duality. We are the light and dark.
I am processing massive amounts of grief tonight, it is rolling out of my body at a speed I didn't know was possible. I turned to music centered on grief but added Christian songs in there that SPEAK to me in ways I need tonight.
My dad passed away May 2021 and all that grief is coming up now. NOW. All because I made a decision. Now I'm sitting here listening to the voice recording of the last time I talked to him & realizing that I never did what I told him I was going to do for him... and processing THAT grief? Even worse. I couldn't get past my own fear and ego to give this man something that I should have been able to.
But, that's not fair to me. I deserve so much kindness and love from this situation. I was so deep in unconsciousness and trauma that not even a lucid moment was coming through. I was faced with my dad dying while simultaneously faced with the potential that I could have a sister out in the world. All while living in a state of fight or flight.
I forgive that version of me for not being able to follow through.
I forgive myself for not knowing what I know now.
I forgive myself for just now processing the loss of my dad.
I will be visiting where his ashes were spread this weekend and talk to him. The wild thing is, I'm a medium. So, I've spoken to him before. Multiple times actually. But there's just something about being in my home down where we spread his ashes that is going to really break all of this open for me.
So I think I am just anticipating so much more grief to roll out of my body in waves. Grief for me and the childhood I didn't get. Grief for the version of me that couldn't do something that she really wanted to. Grief for all the times I was crying on the floor when I was a child. Grief for all the times things happened to me that were way beyond my understanding at the time.
Most of all? I'm going to grieve who my dad should have been for me. And that's not fair. He was a human trying his best. But sometimes our best isn't good enough... And sometimes we irreversibly hurt others in the process in ways that can't be taken back...
-Haley, a woman whose grief hit her after 1,875 days
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