TW: suicidal ideation, childhood sexual abuse, panic attacks
5/20/2026
I have a story time. I woke up in my body last night the rest of the way. I had been in fight or flight still, even until yesterday. I had no idea how bad some of it really was. I had no idea how bad my body actually hurt. Our bodies keep the score and it stores it with physical ailments.
I utilized Grabovoi code 9187948181 the past few weeks. First, it started to take the moles that were under my skin, absorbing them. I didn't notice this at first, but when I did? I was excited and I knew it worked. I literally had power to change my life and how my body feels, and so I used it. I started writing it on my body more.
Yesterday, 5/19/2026 I woke up with a fever, so I did the only logical thing I knew to do: I wrote the code on my leg. I went for a walk and did a hypnosis under a tree outside - really embracing the fact that I'm a eternal spiritual being living a limited human experience. I was leaning against a tree while doing the hypnosis, fully allowing myself to relax. My ego couldn't settle and when it finally did? The last 10 minutes of the hypnosis went by in the blink of an eye.
Later on in the night I took too much of an edible. The only other time I took too much was my first time - and WOW.... that was a doozy to say the least (I will talk about it sometime). The beginning of this round of too much I was very relaxed, so I did some energy / spell work.
Well, I then lit some white tea light candles and asked for clarity. Now, this is about to get a bit woo-woo, but if you're here reading this, just go for the ride, let go of any perceptions you have about what I'm about to say to the best of your abilities. I get clarity about something in my life by the time the candle is done burning, every single time, without fail.
Last night though? I asked THREE of the candles for clarity on BIG things... and oh, did they deliver. One of them being how my body feels. I have these thyroid nodules I had to get a biopsy on and now I can feel them (4) in my throat. I couldn't before. That's the base of the things wrong with my body, I can no longer swallow without feeling them pressing on my neck.
Let's recount everything I've got going on right now at the present time in the story: waking up in my body, Grabovoi codes (like 6 of them), and white candles lit with the intent I would receive clarity.
Remember when I said the body keeps the score? Well, this is where that comes in.
Waking up in my body for me means realizing things about my childhood I had no idea about, and those things started flooding in while I was trying to go to sleep. Memories that made my old ones look like another fucking Tuesday.
My nervous system fell into a full blown panic attack. I was stoned, too stoned. My heart felt as though it was coming out of my chest, and I would have let it too. Funny thing is I have lived with anxiety my entire life, but I was never in my body enough to fully understand what was happening, or how it actually felt in the body.
I started catastrophizing, like our brains do as humans. This caused more memories to pop up, me sitting on the floor when I was a kid having panic attacks. All the times I couldn't get up off the ground from debilitating panic attacks flooding my mind, only able to stop the racing thoughts with self-harm. Everything that I did to myself came to the surface, bubbling over, to be looked at.
Then I had to fall asleep... which wow, you must be thinking, stoned Haley can fall asleep easily, right? Yeah, no. I had multiple aftershocks of the panic attack that didn't let me go to sleep like the newborn I felt like. Every aftershock brought up something new I had no idea about, memories flooding me, and generational memories flooding MY brain.
My egg donor hasn't processed an ounce of HER trauma so part of my spiritual job last night was apparently to do that for her. Unless that was my memory and I'm just gaslighting myself, which I wouldn't doubt either. It was bad, objectively. I was debating about writing it here but: "Sexy baby," was said while either my or her diaper was being changed.
Whether this memory is mine or not, my body was sure carrying it. It may be projection from my mother's life, but it could also be from my own childhood trauma - my another fucking Tuesday memories were aligned with this anyways.
Well, fast forward to now. I'm on the other side of all of this and I am struggling to order groceries. I don't know how food is going to feel resting in my body even. I know a lot of adverse childhood memories will come up the next few days, so I'll be back here, yapping away.
I love youuuuuuuuuuuu!! Go tackle your day.
-Haley
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