6/11/2026 13:33
TW: childhood abuse, sexual abuse, suicidal ideation, self-harm
My mother once told me that I could never be a full time author. When I told her about this years later she tried to gaslight me by saying she never said that.
My father once called me a fatty for grabbing a cupcake for breakfast as I was rushing out of the house. My bad for not having healthy role models or having someone to wait hand and foot on me.
My brother once called me sexy at the dinner table. I was less than 10 years old.
My mother has touched me inappropriately for as long as I can remember. This bled into how she treated my ex's daughter. During a Christmas party she SQUEEZED a 4 year old's butt. Said 4 year old wasn't wanting to be tickled anymore, told her no MULTIPLE TIMES, then she squeezed her butt.
My father once put his hand down the back of my pants and squeezed my butt. My mother was close enough to have seen it. She asked me days later if he ever touched me. She knew. This isn't all he did but I don't have fully fledged memories of anything else.
My brother used to push me down and kick the hell out of me, intent on hurting me. Once, I ran to my mother for help, she was doing someone's hair. She didn't comfort me. She made me sit down in a chair and cry to myself all while talking shit about me.
I say all this to say:
I AM SO TIRED OF THESE MEMORIES LIVING IN MY BRAIN AND BODY.
My nervous system doesn't need this shit running around it anymore. This is not something I should have to carry at 31 years old. This is all too much. My inner voice has become their voices, maybe it always was their voices.
The list of things that were done goes on and on. But most important:
I, myself, self-harmed repeatedly. I tried to commit suicide for the first time when I was a freshman in high school. FRESHMAN in high school. My life, outside of school, was a living hellscape.
My only true solace in life was the fact that when I was a teen (for some of the years) we lived on 33 acres. I knew every inch of those woods. I always found true peace out there, by myself, where nobody could find me.
School? Fucking hell, school? I was bullied daily, sometimes even by my band director. My high school boyfriend and I were having unprotected sex which led to me having miscarriages. HE, ex boyfriend, spread a rumor around school that I killed our baby. I remember being in class and people saying it out loud to my face.
Life hasn't been easy. I am tired of going through the motions acting as though everything was fine and dandy. I mean, to be fair, if you're reading this or any of my past posts, you know that it wasn't.
This is why so much anger is coming to the surface. My nervous system feels safe enough to purge old memories. Now, everything I said above are things I already knew, they were already living rent free in my head. My nervous system purge memories are new things that I had no idea about. There are a few that are good, but the majority are true trauma, more trauma.
Now I have the power to ask about anything via my third eye and I am planning to take this into my own hands and start asking for memories I'd rather see. If my brain is going to expand my capacity to hold memories I should at least allow myself the ability to control what I'm receiving, and see something good. That makes me feel like an antenna tbh lol.
ANYWAYS.
I don't know what the point in this blog post was other than to come scream into the void as loud as I can. And to stop fucking being the silent little girl who had to earn eating and existence.
-Your perpetually tired human Haley
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