5/30/2026 19:56
I find myself realizing that I have a huge expectation for other human beings to match me. Like match me completely, bar for bar. Not with productivity. Not with love. Not with devotion. But with mutuality in every single aspect of life.
I have raised the bar on myself so fucking high that I can't stand the thought of someone being in my life who doesn't have the same bar for themselves. I choose healing. I choose self love. I choose myself over literally everything in my life right now. Until we all turn inward and see what we TRULY want in life, we are always going to be spinning in cycles and down spirals that aren't serving us.
What's the point in being human if we aren't striving for the next version of us? I feel like a shitty person for thinking this, like truly. I was stuck in my own patterns, my own mental loops, but you just have to make a conscious choice to walk out of them. & I did that... now I expect it of every single human I interact with, especially those on a daily basis.
Relationships are supposed to heal and hold up a mirror for you, to show you exactly what is going on inside your own brain. But right now? I'm sitting with the fact that I have healed a lot more than I originally thought I did.
I have become a version of me that won't chase, but I did a few days ago. I think that's where I am getting hung up on life right now and humans. We can change at any second of any day and until we make the conscious decision and put in the effort to do so, to love ourselves with every fiber of our beings, we won't achieve some 'great thing' that we are searching for. But that amazing aspect is within us, it is within us all, we just have to actually search for it.
Some search for this through art, which is an amazing avenue. The opposite of depression is expression after all. But some? Search for it in the bottom of a bottle or substances, or the bottom of a deep abyss of sorrow, wallowing in the pits of their egos. Egos are the epitome of the human condition, we must transmute them to become some perceived 'great'.
I think that's where my bar sits, at greatness. Now, this bar fluctuates of course, how could it not? Healing isn't linear and I have my days where my bar sits at -22, but that -22 was once my +110. I expect this from everyone I interact with and I think that is just causing me to despise other humans who are just trying their best to get through a single day.
I think part of this comes from having nobody in my life who can truly match me, bar for bar. I have people I can talk to of course, but a true match? No. I CRAVE someone who can dive into the depths of their mind alongside me, anything else can fall away.
But then...
The flip side of all of this? Every single fucking human deserves love and care. I want to give it. I can always produce more love, and humans are able to heal within relationships. Transmutation is the key to life on Earth, this is a school consequently - a school where we get to learn everything about the human condition.
-Haley Huckabee
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