i forgive myself...

June 2, 2026

6/2/2026 23:39

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

TW: child loss, pregnancy loss, PTSD

First off, this movie literally teaches you about manifesting and putting energy into something within the first 11 minutes of it. FIRST eleven minutes it shows you this couple grieving a loss of a child. Then writing down EVERYTHING they'd want their child to be, then planting it. Literally planting it in a box in the ground outside. That is massive manifestation right there.

This movie shoves the lesson in my face of: you don't know true grief until you have lost a child. The grieving that comes along with it is unmatched. I don't even just mean the loss of a pregnancy, which I have experienced a lot over my lifetime. I am talking also about the loss of a child who you were a stepparent to.

The grief that I have felt over the past few years is inconceivable. I lost a pregnancy after trying just three times. That wasn't an easy journey either, the trying. I was with a woman so we were using a sperm donor and a syringe, lol. Well... I lost the baby on a birthday trip for her kiddo. Brutal really, to have lost the pregnancy at a water park.

Well, I recently, a year ago this month actually... I lost another pregnancy. These two after also having losses in high school is a lot. Tack on living with a child that wasn't mine, loving her, and losing her due to me and her mom breaking up.

It's just wild to me how we can love another being so much, even and especially ones that aren't 'ours' in the traditional sense.

I wish I would have loved her earlier so I could have loved her longer. I was so goddamn stuck in my ego that I couldn't love that child. I treated her and my girlfriend in ways I wouldn't now. I wasn't conscious enough to change it at the time. That's something I have had to grieve more than anything lately - the grief of the version of me that couldn't be the person I truly am at a soul level. Forgiveness for self is a thing that needs to be had in today's world, and right here in this moment for me.

So:

I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for all the times I abandoned myself and my intuition.

I forgive myself for the way I treated those I loved and most importantly myself.

I forgive myself for allowing my PTSD and trauma to prevail over everything else, staying in unconsciousness and in fight or flight. I could have gotten myself more accurate help earlier.

I forgive myself for not saving myself as soon as I turned 18 - my life would look A LOT different right now... but yet, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I forgive myself for everything that I could have done and didn't, all the novels I could have published, all the projects I could have gotten out. (Huge amounts of divine timing at play with this one).

I forgive myself for not loving those in my life a little bit harder.

We can always create more love, it is an infinite source. We are made from love and we are love. The consciousness of Earth is going to change with love.

That got a tiny bit: peace, love, hippie, but........

Love Is My Religion - Wikipedia